Before you go, Maya. I want you to know. You made me believe in love again.
When I was young, I loved stories about knights, dragons, damsels in distress. I imagined going on adventures all the time, facing storms and evil lords, terrifying creatures, all in the pursuit of my heart’s true love. At the time I never thought it odd that, while I took the place of the dashing knight, I never bothered to switch the damsel in distress.
I did figure it out eventually. Still in school, I developed a massive crush. Her name was Madison, and she was straight as an arrow. She had a reputation for it too. Guys never left her alone. She and I were moderately close, but I think she could tell something was up. I was a nerd, hung out with people like me. She was in the popular clique. I went out of my way to pursue her, though just for a friendship, as far as she could tell.
Meanwhile, I was putting the pieces together. I had thought I was just a late bloomer, but now things were starting to make sense. It was like a whole half of me went from an awkward jumbled mess into perfect clarity. It was a revelation. Relieving, but also terrifying. I had a secret now, and I had no idea who I could tell it to.
But I knew who I wanted to tell it to. Madison. By the time I worked up the courage, my fantasies were well developed. I’d seduce her, offer her a taste of female carnality, use her curiosity to entrap her into a lifetime of love. I didn’t really get how it worked. And of course, when it came to the moment, being a goody two shoes, I flopped hard. I just said “I think I’m gay.” That’s right. After all that talk of seduction, I came out to her. She had no idea how to react. We never spoke again. And the next day at school, everybody knew.
I don’t blame her, not really. I had fucked it up so hard that I wasn’t really surprised when it went as badly as possible. My girl friends all became kind of wary and cagey around me. My guy friends went 50/50 with either never talking to me again and wanting to watch. I got the zoo animal treatment from everyone else. The last two years of school were really lonely. But I wasn’t really deterred. Dragon number one, I thought. I’d finally figured out the story, there was true love waiting for me at the end.
Luckily, my parents weren’t the type to listen in on high school rumors. They didn’t come into it until Krista.
I had a few flings before then, unfortunately mostly with straight girls, who told me they were ‘experimenting’. I’m pretty sure my gaydar was just pointed 180 degrees the wrong way those days. But by just sheer chance, I managed to find Krista. And she was lesbian with a capital L. I was instantly smitten.
She had it all figured out---she’d known since she was two, was out since middle school, already figured out that ‘fuck the haters’ attitude and had all the comebacks for men’s disbelief and/or voyeurism. In my head, I was saying, here she is, my damsel, not very much in distress.
The problem was, she was a massive bitch. Like, objectively a terrible person. I don’t know that under other circumstances I would have even liked her. But that’s the problem with being gay---sometimes you can’t tell whether you like someone or you want to be like them. It took me four fucking years to figure that out.
But in the meantime, I thought I had made it. True love at last. We had a couple more dragons to face down. Trying to get through my masters while also dating Krista was a nightmare. She lost her job and money was hellishly tight. A big move. Oh, and also, my parents. Big dragon number 2.
Krista pushed me for it. Maybe a little sooner than I was ready, though. I kind of get it, no one wants to be a secret, but I think part of it was her militant LGBT-ism--she demanded that everyone be out and proud. But even though it terrified me, and I knew it would go poorly, I did it. After all, I was doing it for love. My happily ever after was waiting for me.
My dad took it okay. I think he didn’t really get it, but always wanted the best for his princess. My mom, though, well, it wasn’t outright homophobia, though Krista would have said it was. But we didn’t speak for years. Never again while Krista and I were dating. Krista wouldn’t let me, which might have been the right thing to do---I would have gone crawling, begging back---but it also meant I never saw my dad again. Or any of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. But I bore through it. It was just a big, tough dragon, and though it tore me to pieces, it was okay, ‘cause I still had my true love.
Except I didn’t, because back to point A, Krista was a stark raving lunatic. And it was this kind of thinking that kept me from noticing for four whole years. You think I’m smart, but it’s only because I’ve made all the dumb decisions already. I thought because I’d given up so much that she must be my one true love. True love is worth giving up for, after all. But as much as I’d give up, she’d always find another thing to take. An endless stream of dragons, it was with her. And you know how I’m always so on top of things these days? It went to full blown anxiety with her. Always on the lookout for the next challenge to overcome, always vigilant for my next mistake. Nothing was ever enough.
I don’t know what made me snap out of it. Just, one day I just looked at her, and everything fell to pieces. I sacrificed so much, fought down so many dragons, figuring out my sexuality, getting outed to my school, pursuing fling after futile fling, losing my family, every petty Krista complaint, and I didn’t even love her any more. I’d given so much for love, and I’d got nothing back. It had been so damn hard, just to get to a point to be myself and be in love, and all I’d got was this narcissistic bitch.
So we broke up. She went full crazy ex for a bit, I sat down and figured out all the ways I’d been ridiculous, and vowed never to think like that again. Love isn’t a struggle, it’s not always worth it, and sometimes, maybe, when you see a dragon, you should run the fuck away.
You’d hope, now disposed of childish fantasies, I’d have found a healthier relationship. But nope, my newfound cynicism threw me into a phase of purposeful, then subconscious, self destruction. I went to my favorite pastime of seducing straight chicks. Felt good to have those high school fantasies played out in real life, with Krista’s capital L lesbianism to spice it up. But even when it worked, they didn’t really work, of course. A lot of them cheated, most of them just dumped me as soon as a male prospect came along. I didn’t mind though. I was done believing in love.
My friends though, god bless them, saw all this happening and tried to put a stop to it. They set me up on dates with actual lesbians and bisexuals, you know, people I actually had a chance with. Couldn’t even force myself to do it, at first. Talking anything LGBT reminded me of Krista---I got flashbacks. It was slowly getting better, though. By the time you came around, I was making it to third dates and stuff.
But then you came around, and I didn’t know what to make of you. Got 100% a straight chick vibe from you, which I was sworn off of at that point. And, no offense, you weren’t my type. But you asked me out. I’d never been asked out (well, by a woman at least). So all of a sudden, it was like all the rules were out of play. I said yes, and to be honest, I was kind of giddy. This had never happened before. I wasn’t even thinking about love, I was so excited. Didn’t let it show though, just in case you broke my heart.
Which you totally did, you jerk, when you pulled the “those were dates!?” on date three, by the way. But I also almost killed you from choking, so we’ll call it fair. I got straight girl flashbacks then. “That wasn’t real sex, just fooling around”, “it’s not cheating, we’re just friends”, all the shit they said ‘cause I didn't have a penis. My friends were right---it had been taking its toll on me. Looking back now, they all looked at me the same way. Like I was a novelty, some fun trick to occupy their time.
But even on our first date, you never looked at me like that. You think I didn’t notice, but I did--between marveling at the fish and the sea lions, I’d see you staring at me with the same look of wonder. Like you’d never seen anything so amazing before. And when I made you laugh you seemed embarrassed at yourself, and it was the cutest thing. And all of it seemed like something I could see happening from now until far into the future.
So I was just devastated when it turned out to you they hadn’t been dates, and then you went dark for the whole fucking month after. I was beating myself up---I’d broken my straight girl free streak, and even worse I’d let that old romanticism which burnt me so bad start to trickle back. It’d been three whole “dates” and I was already thinking about forever. The worst parts of Krista and all my flings all stuck together.
But then you came crawling back to me, on your metaphorical hands and knees. You’d dressed up, brought flowers and wine, and you looked like you hadn’t slept in days. You took me to a fancy restaurant, which I was aghast to later learn, for more than a week’s paycheck. It took some cajoling to get you to actually touch me, but you’d proved your commitment by then. Besides, all that makes sense now, and I was happy to take the lead in bed.
And from then on, love was easy. I never really had to even think about it. Maybe I should have, a little more, but you seemed to fit right into my life, like you had always been there. There were new doubts in our relationships, but they were background things, just concerns for our joint future. More a pleasure than a worry. Somehow, without even saying anything, I knew we’d find a way to tackle them together. With the exception. One big dragon on the horizon, and then it came down and tore us apart.
But now, here I am, miles and miles away from home. Even though I'd sworn off dragons, laid down my sword, I'm on an adventure. Braving down bullets and monsters, doing the things I’d promised myself I’d never do. Because at the end of it, there will be you. I hadn’t even put it together just now, but it’s true, isn’t it? I believe in love again. All the world’s dragons, I’ll face them down, just for you.
So stay safe, Maya. Because even after all I’ve learned, about the ways the world can hurt you, about dragons masquerading as dames, I’m a knight on an adventure, to save her lady love. There’s a happily ever after waiting for us, Maya, and I will chase it to the end of my days.